There’s a quiet little chorus we all hear after a few frustrating dates, a string of ghosted texts, or another awkward conversation over overpriced tapas. That voice says, “It’s not me—it’s them.” And sometimes, sure, it is. But if we’re being really honest (and I like to think we can do that here), the truth is usually somewhere in the messy, gray middle.
Let’s start with the obvious: dating is hard. It’s vulnerable work. You’re showing up, hopeful, with your stories and quirks and playlists, trying to connect with someone else doing the same. Or at least, hopefully doing the same. But when it keeps misfiring, when chemistry fizzles or weird patterns seem to repeat themselves, it’s easy to play the blame game.
“They just don’t want something serious.”
“Nobody knows how to communicate anymore.”
“Dating apps have ruined everything.”
I’ve heard all those lines. I may have muttered a few myself. But those statements come with a little warning label: they protect us from examining what might be happening on our side of the equation.
Let me be clear: this isn’t about blame. This isn’t some tough love pep talk that ends in a self-help listicle. It’s about curiosity—that compassionate kind—the kind you give a close friend when they say, “Okay, but why does this keep happening?”
Because it’s not all them. But it’s not just you, either.
We’re all in this together (cue the High School Musical dance number in your head—I won’t judge). People are bringing burnt-out hearts, fear, distraction, and yes, sometimes ambivalence into dating now. And at the same time, most of us are hungry for connection. Two truths existing awkwardly together.
Here’s what helps: asking yourself not “What’s wrong with me?” but “What patterns am I in—and do they serve me?”
Are you only drawn to people who keep things at arm’s length? Do you rush to define something before you’ve had a chance to actually feel it out? Are you clocking red flags but trying to negotiate with them until they turn beige?
We’ve all got our stuff. Yours isn’t too weird or too broken. It just might be worth looking at.
And while we’re doing that, let’s extend the same grace outward, too. That person who ghosted you? Maybe they were scared. Maybe they didn’t know how to be honest. Yes, that’s frustrating, and no, it doesn’t excuse the behavior—but it might help you not carry it as a story about your worth.
Growth happens in that gap between blame and accountability. That’s the sweet spot. That’s the work that leads to different kinds of connections—more grounded, less confusing, more honest ones.
So the next time a date doesn’t turn into a love story, or a conversation goes sideways, resist the urge to write everyone off. And also resist the instinct to turn inward and dig up every insecurity you’ve ever had.
Instead, take a beat. Ask yourself what you’re learning—about others, about yourself, about the ways you show up—and where you want to go from here. That’s dating in real life. Messy, hopeful, and weirdly beautiful.
You’re not alone in this.
And it’s not just them.
But it’s also not just you.
It’s us. Learning. Trying. Dating. Anyway.
